I don’t like this part. It feels contrived. Am I supposed to tell you the things I’m proud of? If so, here’s the shortlist:

  • In 2014, my cool husband and I brought forth an amazing child who is funny and also handsome.
  • I have a BA and an MA, but they’re probably useless.
  • I have a greeting card business.
  • I am three years deep into the writing of my memoir.
  • I am comfortable in my skin and I love myself.


  • Dill Pickle chips are the most delicious food invention.
  • My arms are long.
  • I have three tomcats and their names are Calculator, Boots, and Mochi.


  • I am horrible at washing dishes and laundry, and if you saw my house on any given day, you’d judge me.
  • I like to cry but my 70 percent of my meibomian glands are atrophied.
  • I have an ugly tooth.